Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   :The sign above my office door reads "Dr. J. Smith - The rapist". It's kinda funny 'cause most women who visit my office enquire about the typo. Many limp out realising there isn't one.

   Newt Gingrich says gays can't marry because 'marriage is sacred.' Oh, & every 12 years or so, Newt's needed some new sacred.

   Jesus walks into a bar: Orders 12 waters... Winks at disciples....

   To everyone who take time to "Like" my status the very minute I post my status, Get a life and get off the facebook

   For all those calling for Fathers Day to be called Special Person's day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   If you could cross a centipede with a turkey you would have enough turkey legs for everyone.

   It was a perfect call! To prove it, let's block all witnesses and ignore all subpoenas.

   Rumor has it that the staff at Mar-a-Lago caught Melania trying to flush her prenup down the toilet too.

   Since he likes to shut things down, why doesn't he shutdown the shutdown ?

   Anybody know the phone number where I can buy a couple of those Nigerian girls?

   Michael J. Fox's new television show is getting some real shakey reviews

   To all you dumbasses who don't like my post... I don't like yours either!!!.

   pissed! I open my m&m's and every one of them were Ws, I mean seriously?.. I should sue!

   The Astros are world series champs. And Dodgers dodge having to go to white house. So who's the real winner.

   The Denver Broncos today announced Al Bundy as their new starting Quarterback.

   I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

   I eat p~55y with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facef@(ks jars of honey.

   Take down statues and history and I’ll take down the George Floyd memorial wall. - God

   Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.

   If history repeats itself........I'd like to buy myself a dinosaur....