Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cosby is going to be meeting bubba and will really get some "pudding in his cloud"

   be like doctor strange, he saw the end of infinity war 14 million times and he never said a spoiler

   There’s a tunnel at the end of the light

   My lesbian neighbors got me a timex for my birth day. But I don't think they understood when I said I wana watch.

   "You're not liked as much as you think you are. And those who do, like the money you have."

   The three wonders of the world. Single guys that make wonders happen. Guy with girlfrineds that see wonders happen. Married guys wonder what happen.

   I have an “L” shaped sofa. Lower case.

   "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   With all the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas iteam for sale at the sametime in the stores they should call it Hallogivemas sale.

   It should be a Thanksgiving tradition that one of the football games be the Patriots vs the Redskins.

   If you don't have an address on your house to make it easy to find then you need to address that!

   Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.

   What's on my mind is what do I need to do today besides waste time looking at Facebook?

   Just got done knockin boots! Alright fine, I just used a broom to brush the snow off of my sandals...

   Robert Kraft: From Super Bowl Ring to Prostitution Ring

   I poured my heart out and it evaporated. FML

   Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything

   Important life lesson learned.... you can't hide a bogger under a glass table.

   I know Milk does a body good, but Damn girl how much milk you been drinking ?

   I just executed a North Korean Squirrel.