Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because I pretty much just burnt down my whole house...

   Now picture me using proper grammar. Wronger

   I will pay anyone $100 bucks to be at my wake in a Reapers costume holding a scythe. I will have it in my will to anyone who wants that job. . .

   So desperately in need of a mindgasm. Stimulation of the mind can be bliss but share it with someone and it becomes heaven on earth.

   it really fair to say that Joan Rivers died at 81? Most of her wasn't even old enough to drink.

   Some of you women need to stay out of my dreams, oh sorry.. I meant fantasies. . .

   Sorry, when you said you liked rough sex I thought you meant rough as in "not good"

   and XX are now friends via the 'People You May Know Who Are a Tool' tool.

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   I'm scouring the periodic table for the element of surprise. I'm more anxious than the AZ Governor in a Cinco de Mayo parade.

   lets just melt the ice... that will stop the smoke and i'll be on the plane again!!!

   Egotism - usually just a case of mistaken non-entity.

   A lie is just a great story somebody ruined with the truth.

   Yes I'm going old and yes I'm going bold, I know because it's taking longer and longer for me to wash my face in the morning!

   doesn't think that even Ferris Bueller could get him out of work tomorrow.. :-(

   small achievable dreams are better than impossible big illusions

   Okay, this Thousands of Falling Dead Bird and 2 million Dying Fish thing isn't funny anymore Steven Spielberg!!!

   Dr Steven hawking has been quoted as say that believes totally in the big bang theory and he thinks everybody should. I was shocked, I mean sure the show is alright, but personally I don't think Kaley Cuoco is really that good a actress.

   My hooptie rollin', tailpipe draggin' Heat don't work an' my girl keeps naggin'

   "Dear Life ...Patience is a virtue of a few and I have been ur sincere student for quite sometime now so plz give up on the idea of me giving up....Destiny awaits me......"