Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sleep number is pi.

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates

   You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a house full of young kids.

   Last Halloween night while at a bus stop. I saw a priest, a nun and a prostitute pass buy. Still don't know if they were wearing a costume for Halloween or not.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning: The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   You buy ready made chocolate milk? Well, aren't you just some kind of titan of finance?

   5 year plan? I havent even planned this sentence volcano.

   Every time I play NBA2k, I’m deeply offended there are no short players with minimal basketball skills. How could I not be represented in a game that has nothing to do with my life?

   Haven't looked at Facebook in a while and have been doing things I don't normally do while looking at it like reading books, verbally talking to friends, noticing my surroundings and showering.

   I think politeness is important. That's why I offer my seat to a lady when I get off the bus.

   Robert Kraft: From Super Bowl Ring to Prostitution Ring

   May the 4th be with you all today.

   Anyone know where I can find a Facebookers Anonymous meeting? Asking for a friend.

   Just a motivational facebook post to myself to help me be more productive today - Log Out.

   Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos?? 17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you. Me- go to your room.

   This youth group broke the number one cardinal rule of making money at a Car Wash. They let the fat chick hold the car wash sign.

   if your PC gets a virus from a porn site, is that a STD for computers?

   I'm too smart to be happy.

   Spoiler alert. It's sour cream