Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear."

   Since when did M&M's start using W's?

   Santa: If you ignore my actions during weekends (& sometimes the workday) and all the Vicodin I took, you'll see that 6 out of 12 months, I was a good boy, which makes me 50% good. It's up to you- see the glass half empty or half full. Do the right thing!

   's faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings with a single bound.

   thanking Bob Hope for the ky jelly and cucumber. It came in very handy

   just had a moment of genius, a chocolate Easter bunny that is filled with the Cadbury Cream Egg filling......YUMMMM!!!

   not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am...

   -If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

   For some reason, I always thought Elijah Cummings and John Lewis were the same guy. ☻

   Single moms be like, "yo daddy was on the plane!"

   Here's a tip for you travellers, when Def Leppard's Pour Some Sugar on Me comes on your ipod in the airport, DON'T sing along. I spent 12 hours explaining that I was just singing the lyrics "Love me like a bomb, b...b...b..bomb"

   Jesus was an American, a Republican American.

   I dont know much about pies, but baby, you make my banana cream

   Whenever I see someone type "ROFL", I can't help but to think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   HOODTRANSLATIONS Sh*t just got real = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & this is no more a laughing matter.

   Some of these stupid post are more the reason why people are dumping Facebook than anything else.

   i used to be funny like you all, then I took an arrow to the knee

   I love cats! They taste just like chicken

   Bingo stands for: Bored idiots now growing old.

   My application to be a cop was denied. They said my 4 incher would initimadate the other cops.