Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Coupon Susie and I were going to get married, but it turned out she just wasn't cut out for me.

   smile it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth

   I measure the wealth of my day by asking myself did I add more friends today over friends who have deleted me on Facebook

   I thought love was a giveing thing.... The more I gave the less I got

   saw this on an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, oh...fly Delta?)

   OCD's Anonymous meeting at my place. Anyone who feels compelled to clean up, go for it.

   In the early 90's hip-hop game, I suppose MC Hammer was wearing the trousers!

   a man with flaws, a failure at success, no superhero, neither rich nor poor. I am, however a good father and a happy person. that'll do pig. that'll do.

   hates it when he goes to take a drink and the straw goes up his nose. Not cool when tryin' to impress the ladies!

   waving his pants and shouting 'viva la revolution'

   went into my local store and I saw that they had put up a big sign saying, "NO READING IN THIS SHOP",I grabbed 4 bars of chocolate, took them to the counter and said, "Which of these is the Dairymilk?"

   When you are not looking at it, this sentence is in Spanish.

   Hey Boston-LOVE THAT DIRTY WATER♥

   would it be cruel to kidnap a man and keep him for purely sexual reasons?

   I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

   Can't stand the automatic bathroom appliances... WTF... I am not done.. Thanks for the generous water ration... Btw, your paper towels are like sand paper

   proven the myth that a bird will always crap on a freshly washed car... Now, where'd I put that bb gun?

   Warning: Weeding another man's garden will eventually get you plowed!!!

   doesnt get drunk, he gets awesome

   i used to think Facebook was made by a woman since it changed appearance and became more complicated so much, but now.. I am positive it is ran by a guy, after all the suggested poking of girls it wants me to do.