Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That awkwar d moment when your last name is White but you're Black and when your last name is Black but you're White.

   A bum jus asked me "can you spare ne change", I said it @ the same time he did & called 'Jinx'. Now he cant ask 4 change until I say his name

   not responsible for LMAO's that actually cause ur ass to fall off. Or LOL's that cause you being arrested 4 laughing too loud. Or people that are "dying laughing" I am not responsible for... funeral fees. With that being said. Enjoy my wall.

   Ashton Kutcher is trading in for a new model.....and I aint talking about cars.....

   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

   so I was digging a booger out and got blindsided by middle managment who gave me no time to react before they were shaking my hand and introducing me to new staff...and I don't feel guilty about it..boogers on you!

   Wishes Brett Favre would stop sending me text messages.

   When they get the Chilean miners out, can we put the Go Compare guy in?

   Thinking that they made the turtoise and the hare book to make fat people feel good about theirselves!

   wake me up when is xmas over coz I cant afford buy any presents....

   MISSING: Sultry dark haired nymphomaniac. Likes 2 have hair pulled & be tied up. Please return immediately as she may be dangerous! I am a trained professional

   I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.

   My wife just asked me "would you say I'm a selfish person?" My answer - "well, not to your face..."

   wonders if Conan O'Brien feels like the red headed step child of NBC? .....oh wait, he does have red hair!

   wondering; why do people on facebook, when they find a -public- photo album to someone they dont know, feel like they've won a million ???

   ...wanted to buy some goose feathers but couldn't afford the down payment..

   thinks, sex is like any other performance, i.e a stage performance. So as that you dont blow it early on in the show, you must have a rehersal before HAND so as not to leave your audience (partner) disapointed.

   the Super Bowl is on February 7, The pre game started on February 3.

   needs 5 steel beams for his horse glue factory

   not in the dictionary because awesome is already a word