doc noland Funny Status Messages

   i played "draw something" in my early 20's way before it was an app. we called it "what shape should we cut this line of cocaine into?"

   There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums. I am just saying...

   Seriously! Just saw a Weight Watchers commercial on the Food Network... Really? That's like a Jack Daniels ad running on PBS.

   I wish I could dance like a black guy. Or have epilepsy. Either way.

   doesnt get drunk, he gets awesome

   I never wear cologne to an important meeting. I bench an old fridge 10x & let my jungle pheromones show them who's boss.

   Trying really hard to have a good day. There is not nearly enough genital touching going on for that to happen though.

   How much for this stat us? Sir, it was on here yesterday. I must have it!

   "I know, baby, I'm lonley too" I whiper to the no show sock as we search for its mate.

   One time I lost my phone for 6 days, so I feel your struggle Malaysia.

   Anti-obesity ads featuring fat kids are causing controversy in Georgia. Unfortunately, none of them are forced to to the "truffle shuffle."

   But Mom! The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too!

   "Yes, I need to check in." "Sir, this is a burn unit." "Yeah, I got hit hard with a battle of the bulge joke about a month ago, and I still have no comeback."

   wondering, would It be fun if we started calling gynecologists, "tw@t dentists".

   I hope my death somehow involves a shrimp fork.

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep while driving.

   One of the unsung signs of depression is throwing away fast food trash in your bathroom trashcan.

   It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The shaker, ice and Rumple combination is the most common

   Just pounded 2, 5 hour energy shots... Rap battled a stutterer, Lost... Played M.J. Fox at jenga. Lost... Played patty cake with E. Honda, Win!

   I can only get sexually aroused if Ben Affleck is playing with animal crackers on my stomach.