Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hates it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party, freak. My dog is getting married

   It's normal for kids to play 'doctor.' Start worrying if you find them playing 'airport security.'

   Just when you think you have buried the past, They find another Body...

   I can't believe that it's the year 2010 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.

   "Until death do us part” means we're all single in heaven, right?

   Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?

   There should be a statute of limitations on how long a person gets to blame their crappy childhood for their shortcomings.

   say's never go to a Doctor whose plants are dead in the waiting room!

   thinks single-ply toilet paper should be a human rights violation.

   70% of you might think I'm being disingenuous when I say I'm surprised that you "like" my status...The other 30% are googling "disingenuous"...

   Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.

   The trouble with life is there's no background music

   Whoever is in charge of making sure I don't do dumb stuff is fired.

   Ironically, it's really hard when you suffer from impotency

   ...and then Buffy staked Edward. The end

   You know your'e getting old when you think an XBOX is where you keep your divorce papers.

   I am the undefeated champion of this"smooshing-down-the-garbage-so-I-don't-have-to-take-it-out-for-another-day" game

   YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.

   When girls have a great night out, they talk about it for months. When guys have a great night out, that night will never be spoken of.