Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that I've grown, I've realized that all the "cool" parents were actually just bad parents.

   you're only real job as a father is to keep your daughter off the pole

   I'm trying to learn yoga.....I'm pretty sure that I have the "Moron lying on his ass" move perfected

   Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.

   Don't you just hate it when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything.

   I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.

   To all the people that think the world ends December 21 2012, you can stop using condoms this month

   You know in the future its gonna be pretty common too say, "So grandma how many tattoos do you have?"

   I just got a text from a wrong number that said "I think my ex is stalking my friends"... so I replied back "No I'm not."

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind."

   There is NO WAY that Bert and Ernie are gay. They haven't changed their outfits in 25 years.

   I'm gonna go old school and drop my status updates in an envelope and start mailing them to all my friends daily to help bail out the Post Office...

   Stop trying to make small talk with me in an elevator. It's 2013, .... Stare at your phone like a normal person.

   Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.

   According to my sidebar ads, I am a fat lesbian who needs a new Honda.

   I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that's my stuff!"?

   Why the f$ck are you driving under the speed limit when you were in such a hurry to pull out in front of me?

   I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.

   A man in Florida has been sentenced to six months in prison for stockpiling weapons at a compound just 11 miles from Disney World. Eleven miles from Disney World? So . . . in the parking lot?