Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.

   Why do they always staff the slowest cashier at the express lanes at Walmart?

   ‎9 times more people are killed by falling coconuts than by sharks. I CANNOT WAIT for Coconut Week!

   A fake smile on your friend's face is more evil than a sword in your enemy's hand.

   You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.

   It's so annoying when someone keeps talking after you've interrupt them.

   Don't be mad because we bumped shoulders when passing. You didn't move either.

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

   It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.

   Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There's a nap for that.

   Starbucks is banning smoking within 25 feet of its stores. It's tricky since every Starbucks is 25 feet from another Starbucks.

   Don’t try to rush me while waiting behind me at a Redbox, I will read what every movie is about…twice

   I've already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I'm gonna "come on down" whether they call my fuckíng name or not.

   Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?

   Girls who say "thongs are more comfortable than regular panties" know that all men hear is, "I like things in my butt."

   The girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.

   B*tch, you're not high maintenance. A Ferrari is high maintenance. You're just a pain in the ass, like an old Pinto.

   ''Please punch in your account number, phone number,and the last four digits of your social security, so I can transfer you so they can ask you for those same numbers again!''

   Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.