Funny Status Messages
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The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion. 
Attention Everyone: Hillbilly is really Re-run. Don't be fooled by Hillbilly's lies.
If protesting for social justice was good for business, THEN...Kaepernick would have a job! The NFL will soon be in hospice care.
I just checked on my Farmville after 3 years. It's now a Wal-mart
I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.
I can’t decide if I should get married again or try to get a blow job from a great white shark.
Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.
The term "I paid GOOD money for that!" is soo silly..Honestly, have you ever seen BAD money? NOT ME !!!
“Ladies and gentlemen; we are gathered here today because SOMEBODY couldn't stay alive.” - This is why they don’t let me give speeches at funerals anymore.
A restraining order is kinda like a love note right?
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don't worry, another study says you're just being paranoid.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Of course I still stalk you online I'm just making sure I don't miss the moment when karma finds you
I put on my pants just like everyone else around here, reluctantly.
Dogs are a man's best friend because they don't talk.
Ultimate act of defiance, finishing your FB status update while your Boss waits at your desk!
There is nothing more painful than watching the new girl make the sandwiches at Subways.
Beginning to wonder if starting each work day with 5 straight hours on Facebook may be kneecapping my productivity.
Technically, we're all half centaur.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn't drink vodka so she won't drink all of yours. 