Funny Status Messages

   I'm sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   A man in a bar sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He says to her, "nice legs." She says "you realy think so?" The man says "oh yeah, most tables would have collapsed by now."

   Y’all ever inhale a dog's fart and think “this is it, this is how I die.”

   I went to see a chiropractor. It was about a week back.

   Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, so who the hell are you?

   I think we have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

   Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving...

   Women are strange creatures. My wife just told me that I needed to do some soul searching…..... so I Googled James Brown.

   Breaking news: Mail order brides from China are now up to 75% off!

   April Fools Day is a good day to confess your love to your crush. That way you can save face and say "April Fools!" if they reject you.

   I've got 2 tickets to paradise and it's closed due to Covid. FML

   Quaker Oats is retiring Aunt Jemima products after 130 years on the market due to an outcry of racism. Next up: The removal of Pillsbury mascot Poppin' Fresh, due to numerous complaints from short, chubby white guys.

   Went to Walmart today & y'all should've seen all the commotion. Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, and Uncle Ben were protesting, Texas Pete and Capt. Morgan were getting drunk, Little Debbie was working the corner, and Jimmy Dean was showing everybody his sa

   No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...

   The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.

   I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim

   If you're going to open a strip club. Don't name it the G spot. Because men will never be able to find it.

   The Pope has now said "there is no Hell". Where am I gonna tell people to go now?

   "Jesus Loves You" is a great thing to hear in Church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   I'm as broke as a pick pocket in a nudist colony.