Funny Status Messages

   30 years ago today, "Licensed to Ill" was the #1 Album...

   What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.

   Don't eat the green snow!!!

   What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?

   Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

   I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.

   Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.

   George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."

   I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.

   Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.

   I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy

   Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.

   Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."

   Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.

   Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

   There were no Tide pods back in my day....we just ate it by the scoop like maniacs

   I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!

   Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."

   Knowledge is knowing what to say. Wisdom is knowing when to say it.