Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You never realize how weird your family is until you start to describe them to someone else

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.

   On the internet you can be whoever you want. It's odd that so many choose to be stupid.

   I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.

   I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner "

   When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

   Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden.

   A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears... Personally I think its nuts.

   Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.

   You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.

   It's sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.

   The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.

   In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

   Some people just don't get it. If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. GET A LIFE FIRST then try to share it

   Survival rule #1: You go first.

   Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers

   The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......