Funny Status Messages

   Mint julep or tequila? Happy Kentucky de Mayo!!!

   Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!

   I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.

   When I was a kid my parents would say "You'll understand when you're older." Well now I'm older and I still don't understand.

   Woke up naked and sweaty and I didn’t even get laid.

   ME: these fireworks are so quiet WIFE: those are palm trees

   Just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist...last time my neighbor will wake me up on a Saturday morning!

   Bad decision: Saying come in to a Jehovah Witness at your door.

   Why must we end rivers flowing into the pacific ocean?

   Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.

   No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.

   I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds

   Thanks to synonyms, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty," both mean the same thing.

   Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.

   Don't tell me what type of pill it is. I like to be surprised.

   I haven't failed, I just found several ways it won't work.

   If you didn't participate in the 10 year challenge. Then you have a PhD in maturity

   Just once in my life I'd love to make just the perfect amount of spaghetti for myself. Anyways, if you're hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.

   How embarrassing. First day of Chinese New Year, and I just wrote "Dog" on a check instead of "Pig".