Funny Status Messages
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I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem. 
Don't call me if I texted you. Don't text me if I called you.
I think its safe to say.. We all have that one co-worker that doesnt know when to STFU!
my gastro-intestinal Dr. was named Joe...he looked pissed when he came in the room and I sang ..G.I Joe...
Don't complain when I CAN'T go out those nights you want to but then you WON'T go out on the nights I'm able to!!
My mood ring isn't a fashion statement. It is a court order!
People who are buying Bieber please stop it's just encouraging him
Had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm tonight...The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy!
Before mowing the lawn I always spend an hour pricing goats on the internet.
God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.
.... When I was waiting in the examination room for my prostate exam, When I asked the doctor where I should put my pants ... "Over there beside MINE" ... wasn't quite the answer I was expecting.
Sex with someone that doesn’t want to is rape. I thought that was marriage?
English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.
I can't decide whether to vote for the crooked liar or the lying crook...
The phrase "fake news" is getting just as annoying as "wazzz-uuuuup"
I'm out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
If the start of a Basketball game is called a Tip-off, why isn’t the start of a Hockey game called a Puck-off?
Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while furniture polish is made with real lemons?
I have depression. A friend suggested I need to get out more so I went to the beach. Now I have a Tropical Depression.
Got some good financial news today. The kid I've been sponsoring in some third-world country got eaten by a lion. 