Funny Status Messages

   I just had a "Stand your ground" moment with a black snake in my backyard, I hope the news media doesn't find out about it and instigate more rioting.

   Before you judge me: deal with what I've dealt with, Feel what I've felt, Survive what I've survived, Master what I have mastered and Overcome what I overcame.

   You this read wrong

   I just keyed 2+2=5 onto the hood of a Smart Car.

   So today was the first day of Obamacare and all the Dr offices were closed...

   The fastest land animal is a guy that sees a woman about to go through his phone...

   There was a near tragedy at my local shopping centre recently. A power cut left four blondes stranded on an escalator for almost five hours.

   DO NOT TEXT ME WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING I’m not trying to be the last unfinished message they find when your as% is wrapped around a tree.

   Jesus take the wheel, I'm updating my status.

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."

   One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, weird... I heard you were better."

   A Real Boyfriend will make sure he wears protection when Cheating.

   Can I get 10,000 "Likes" for God is awesome?

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonald's; Not funny, grow up.

   I did so much yard work today, I might get deported.

   You can grab my ass and my hair but don't EVER grab my arm and tell me to listen...

   You should always f*ck like all your exes are watching.

   When I was younger I use to slide bak and forth in the bathtub to make waves

   NAMES: I bet you 10 times out of 10, guys with names like Ricky, Vinnie. Tony, Eddie will beat the sh*t out of guys with names like Kyle, Blaine, Brent, Cecil

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you picked up a little Mexícan girl and screamed, 'DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME!'" @____@