Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."

   Someone should start a new Match.com, but for socks

   I may not be the richest guy in the world...or the smartest guy in the world...or the funniest guy in the world...or the best-looking guy in the world...or the ..... Aw hell, now I'm depressed...

   Bending over, preparing to do my taxes.

   It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog

   I turned out ok for a kid raised in large part by Bugs Bunny.

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   I feel like everybody judges me when I say Worcestershire sauce...

   United Airlines... You Might get to fly and it shows.

   Good thing that doctor wasn't wearing leggings, too.

   If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

   Interviewer: You ever do time? Me: I've mixed basil with weed, even freebased oregano, but I've never done thyme. Interviewer: I meant in jail, but I think we're done here.

   No I won't go fund you. I can't even go fund myself.

   Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?

   I didn't say I was good in bed; I said I'm good, in bed.

   Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time

   Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then, yes, I do like opera.

   Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.