Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever been to Medieval Times? I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth and give you food that would give you dysentery.

   What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.

   Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.

   Adulting fail #86: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the last 20 minutes.

   “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

   My girlfriend asked me when I last had s ex with someone that wasn't her. I said.... "back in '06". It sounds much better than "June"

   I saw a totally hot MILF spank her child today at McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground. So I threw my fries on the ground....!!!

   Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...

   Grew up in the south so for me a fancy restaurant was a place that offered you the choice of biscuit or cornbread.

   And when I die, this will all be yours...... *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   I'm 100% convinced that for every sock that is lost in the dryer one comes back as an extra Tupperware lid

   Q-Tips. The only product that warns you against its only use.

   come on folks.... bring on the funnies

   "Erectile Dysfunction" is such a harsh term. Why not just call it "Sleepy Peepee?"

   Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

   Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

   Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

   This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.