Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.

   When it feels like your moral compass always points south.

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.

   The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you

   Ohhhh you’re an alpha male on the Internet. Here. Have a cookie.

   * The older I get the earlier it gets late.

   If Missouri and Oregon became one state. It be known as the show me your beaver state.

   The only difference between brown nosing and ass kissing is depth perception.

   Never join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

   Red wine pairs beautifully with procrastination.

   "Goodbye, everyone. I'll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.

   So after winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently, this is unacceptable in bowling.

   My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?

   Eating clean means I just took a shower and I'm heading to McDonald's..

   Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.

   This is ridiculous its July 8th... Neighbors are still shooting off fireworks, one almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire..

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00... Me: Can you take off the avocado?... Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.

   I can't wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!