Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm beginning to believe whoever said "Hindsight is 2020" was sending a message to the future we all misunderstood.

   We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated. Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

   2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

   if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

   Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

   If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

   I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.

   Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

   Thanks to the Super Bowl, I use Roman Numeral's at least once a year. Still more than I use algebra.

   Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.

   I was wearing glasses before it was a Snapchat filter...I'm a trendsetter

   Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don't think it's a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.

   The Wizard of Oz is 78 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.