Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I did 50 squats today and I still can't find my lighter!

   Sorry Facebook ... you didn't protect me, my kids and grandma's secret peach cobbler recipe. You're now the new MySpace to me.

   My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..

   We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.

   I make self-sabotage look like an art form.

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

   Trust is just something that was made up to sell relationships

   If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.

   I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.

   Going to Starbucks right now,anybody need anything?

   I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"

   I hate it when I click on a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it's loading?

   The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.

   Life Lesson: The ONLY person that can pledge 100% loyalty to you is YOURSELF.