Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having a terrible night with my date and her husband

   Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.

   I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.

   If you’re assigned green beans for Thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

   My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you don't even eat them?

   I don’t mean to brag,. But I closed down a few bars back in the day without the Governors approval,.

   My 5 year plan is to survive this year

   My biggest fear is getting a murder hornet stuck in my facemask as I shovel snow Saturday morning in May.

   So riots are part of phase one of the reopening?

   I would pay $1,000 to watch the "View" hosts attempt to run one mile.

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   The older I get, the more sense it makes to have a TV in the bathroom.

   People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.

   The police department should replace their sirens with the national athem.

   "I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man

   Things nobody ever said in the 1980s: "I lost my telephone."

   No one ever questions how Mayor McCheese managed to keep his job while the citizens of his town were being eaten.

   Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   Lazy rule #1: Can't reach it. Don't need it.