Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

   i’m at the age where I have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30

   Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.

   That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.

   Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.

   How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.

   my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth

   There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe

   It's just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms

   Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.

   If you buy weight loss products at GNC the only thing you'll lose is your money...

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks

   If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you

   "It wasn’t me" - First rule of fart club

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.