Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Japan`s earthquake shifted the earths axis by 10cm. It`s not much but we are well on our way to our toilets flushing counter-clockwise!

   A man tells his wife "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The wife responded "Great!.... I'll miss you."

   telling your girlfriend you have the herp is not a good april fools joke. Now I'm single

   if you take my jokes to heart... you deserve to be offended!!

   I wish cleaning the house was as easy as cleaning out my email.

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

   wondering when SkyNet is finally going online? I've been preparing for that moment since 1985.

   "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." ~ Nathan Hale

   a lady insisted to sit near the window on the train to take a nap. She said she needed her beauty sleep. I told her sorry but the train isn't going that far

   Just got my baby to eat carrots over a boob. I am a heck of a salesman!

   I don't care about your opinion enough to argue with you about anything.

   Sometimes, I just want to copy someone else's status word for word just to see if they would notice..

   Drive careful studies show that 89% of all people are caused by accidents

   sometimes when I'm alone I Google myself.

   Take a lesson from the weather. Learn to be talked about without responding.

   People who gossip need to get their own life, those who listen and believe it need to get a life.

   True friends stab you in the front!

   Brett Favre just sent me an inappropriate text message....I guess it's not that big a deal...I'll just wait two years before I tell anybody... Yea...

   Ladies, when a man tells you that you're one in a million, don't get too flattered. That means there is about 6,500 more of you on Earth.