Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

   My stomach is upset but my kidneys are just disappointed

   The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

   My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!

   What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?

   “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

   The hippopotamus can run faster than humans on land and can swim faster than humans in water. This means that the only way you can beat a hippopotamus in a triathlon is on a bicycle.

   I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

   I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.

   If you think men are the stronger sex, watch a man react when the girlfriend says "what did you just say to me?"

   Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."

   One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.

   We need a montage of dads trying to order for the whole family in drive-thrus

   Remember: One person's LOL is another person's WTF.

   If wookies have a 400 year life span, then Han Solo is basically like Chewbacca's third dog.

   There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”

   How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?

   If smartphones existed in the 80's, most of us would have a parole officer.

   What’s it called when your hard work doesn’t pay off?

   Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn't make you a TV star.