Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the best thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself. What's the worst thing about being single? Having the bed all to yourself.

   If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

   So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?

   A smart man covers his ass. A wise man keeps his pants on.

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   If I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender can I tell everyone that "Yeah, I Juice."

   ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

   I'm pretty sure my $2 Sportsclips coupon already told you I am not interested in the $60 shampoo, but thanks for showing it to me anyway.

   If it was not for the dumb things I did as a kid. I would not have anything to laugh about today.

   If you're always concern about the opinion people have about you. You'll never be happy.

   It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.

   How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom

   According to this captcha page I am a robot -- what a way to find out. Who knew?

   I've been sober for like 40 days. Not in a row, just 40 days total...

   How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.

   I remember when the internet was two tin cans and a string.

   If your kid is almost old enough for social media, Make sure you have the "We need the talk" thingy soon. You know advising him about the usage of your/you're and there/their/they're.

   Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport

   They should make supermarket camouflage so people you know won't see you and want to talk to you.

   Yesterday I bought a pack of two pillow cases but when I opened it there was only one. What a sham!