Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

   The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

   Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

   16 and pregnant was supposed to scare you hoes not inspire you

   Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

   Me and my recliner go way back.

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.

   For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?

   Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.

   I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."

   If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!

   The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.

   You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.

   BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Jones wants the NFL to investigate the Denver Broncos for Domestic Violence against the Dallas Cowboys

   Don't tickle the dragon unless you're ready for the fire.