Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stock trading secret: Pick a stock that you know is going to go up and buy a lot of it. Then watch the price go up every day until it gets as high as it's going to get. Then sell it all before it goes back down.

   "Be yourself"? Don't tell me what to do! I'm gonna be someone else! Because that's who I am! Wait... What?

   It's so cold out that you can milk a cow and get instant ice cream.

   Like what about tall apartment buildings? Does Santa ride the elevator to each floor? How does he carry all the presents in one bag and how does he get into the apartments? I can't wrap my mind around it.

   Drama Drama.

   At the grocery store, I saw a piece of paper lying on the floor with the following written on it: Pasta-Tomatoes-Mozzarella-Ricotta-Red Lipstick and Lube. Which means my soul mate is out there somewhere.

   It’s bizarre how the party of 'inclusiveness' rejects 'Trumpers', straight people, or anyone who dares to think differently, and instead favors fetus killing and not deporting illegals.

   Jesus: "Why couldn't my Dad wait until they invented velcro?"

   Santa said I've been so good this year that he put me at the top of his nice list.

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   Snow is merely rain, rain that doesn't go away. It hangs around for days and days.

   Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

   The Inauguration attendees look they just got back from a Sunday morning Presbyterian Church service.

   I'm not as mean as I could be. And I want people to be more grateful for that.

   Guilty pleasure ...I absolutely am addicted to the show Pop the balloon or fund I mean find love .

   I'm not clutching pearls. But I did drop a few pearls on your wife's cleavage.

   I don't want Canada or Greenland. I want Pizza, Pu$$y, and Football.(Not soccer. They teach roosters how to play that exercise in boredom.)

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   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. He's been divorced 3 times..Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his damn rod.

   Menstruation? Should be called Men-Frustration at this point.