Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is there enough asphalt for speed bumps but not enough to fill potholes?

   TRUMP WAS HANDED AN AWESOME ECONOMY. THE BEST, BY FAR, POST-COVID ECONOMY OF ANY INDUSTRIALIZED NATION. HE WAS HANDED AN ECONOMY WITH EMPLOYMENT WAY UP, CONSUMER SPENDING WAY UP, THE MARKETS WAY UP, AND INFLATION WAY DOWN. AND NOW IT'S RUINED. OH WELL.

   It's finally November! That means it's time I get to start saying the two words everybody wants to hear: Merry Christmas!

   How to blow a blind date: Look at the menu, make your eyes huge and say, "I think I'll just have some water."

   The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

   Got a hot new dieting tip for you. Just fill up your car's fuel tank and you'll be too broke to buy groceries!

   I wonder how many years it's been since she's let him see her naked

   He doesn't know how to drive. He doesn't know how to pump gas. He doesn't know how to buy groceries. He doesn't know how to use a computer. He's lived in a gold, chauffeured bubble his entire life. And so many of you think he's great LMFAO

   We were told for the past two years that the economy was fine. Then within a month of Trump being elected "suddenly" everything is pfft. Yeah, pretty sure we were lied to.

   Remember, gang: you’d have a better chance of teaching a pigeon to speak French than changing the mind of a l€ft-winger. Hence don’t waste your time.

   I got kicked out of a wedding reception for playing with the action figures on top of the cake.

   Economists are saying that there's a good chance that Trump can grow back the economy in the same way he grew back his ear.

   My new dentist moonlights as a proctologist. He gives out toothbrushes called Anal-B.

   Are you single? Just remember that at this time of year, something wonderful and heartwarming happens. Tons of candy goes on clearance!

   If you see me talking to myself, don't judge us. We're trying to talk ourselves out of doing something stupid.

   How do you politely tell a wannabe model on Instagram she is fat?

   Weekend Update on SNL literally skinned M^G^ nutcases alive tonight. So good 😂

   Maybe he'll be able to regrow the economy like he did his ear after the "assa**ination" attempt LMAO

   Baron (nice f*cking name lmfaooooo) looks like a creepier and rapeier version of Jack Skellington.

   The USA is Canada's taint 💩