Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

   Someone said: "what night is the dnc swimsuit comp?" I concur. Would love to see AOC in a swimsuit and ball gag. 🤣

   Jimmy Buffett sat on a tuffet Drinking his Tanqueray When along came a drunkard A pothead had skunkard And folks in Key West are all ghey..

   NOTHING says "party of the everyman" quite like two born-to-riches nepo baby billionaire douchbags selling $80,000 cars on the White House lawn.

   .Everyday I live in constant fear that Columbia House is going to send the repo man to get the LP's I never paid for back in 1973-75.

   What has red hair, big shoes and lives in a test tube? Bozo the Clone.

   Disney has a new movie coming out on Disney + tomorrow. Tinker Tinkerbell meets her brother, Taco.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your imaginary friend files a restraining order on you.

   What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common? The fear of not making it home.

   Wondering if life is easier when you're totally insane? I'm about halfway there and I want to know if I need to speed up or slow down!

   His approval rating is going down faster than Melania on greaseball kiddie rock each time he wears his sequined Circus Ringleader Clown Suit.

   Why doesn't Maury just do the show from backstage? All the women run back there when they find out that none of the 23 guys they tested are her baby daddy.

   With 2-in-1 Shampoo and Conditioner, how does the shampoo know to go first?

   what would happen if you're scared half to death twice

   Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

   RIP Bob Saget: A comic whose stand-up routine was basically a 9 year old who discovered you can say curse words when your parents aren't around.

   I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, damn that must have been really painful.

   being insane should at least burn calories

   20 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Jonny Cash – Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

   Here's how I define marriage: Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.