Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wife: Why did you drink all the rum? me: I lost the cap

   A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.

   I sexually identify as too tired for this.

   A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.

   Me: How much for the goth cucumber? Clerk: That’s a cactus…

   I’m not a sore loser, thanks to Vicodin.

   My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.

   FIFA refs should issue pink cards for flopping.

   Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?

   Every time I get a kiss, I end up smelling like pepper spray....

   You can tell the Beastie Boys were really close because they would finish each other’s sentences.

   Wife said you always come home in a bad mood. I can't remember the last time you came home in a good one. I said of course not..... that's because you weren't home.

   The more random people you see jogging for no reason the higher the rent is going up

   For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.

   I’m suffering complications following my birth

   Auto Repair Price List Ping-Ping-Ping 35.00 Plunk-Ping-Plunk 50.00 Klunk-Ping-Klunk 125.00 Thud-Klunk-Thud 200.00 Clank-Thud-Clank 325.00

   If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?

   Imagine having an IQ low enough to enjoy watching love island.