Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to a job interview the other day , Lady said She had 3 openings, I said I know .. still waiting for the call.

   it technicallly underwear if its all you are wearing?

   RIP: Olivia Fig Newton

   Please keep your dogs and children quiet in the mornings. Some of us have been up all night setting off fireworks. Thank you!

   I don't know what to make for my dinner. In the refrigerator I have two all-beef patties and some special sauce, but I can't think of any other ingredients that I should add to these.

   Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtain for murderers: What exactly is the plan if you find one?

   My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity. I replied, "No, we all seem to enjoy it".

   The next pro-Tr*mp Post is 100% written by a guy who's been inside a five-year-old.

   Tr*mps faith advisor says if you give her $1,000 you'll get 'supernatural blessings'. You people actually support and believe this sh*t. You like getting conned. And this? Is why we make fun of you.

   Those two douchbags have 19 children from 7 different women. Shut up with your Jesus bullsh*t.

   If one went to ISIS controlled Iraq as a missionary to convert them to Christianity, would you be executed for blasphemy? Or, would you get your hand cut off for stealing..

   Somebody let vegans know that their lifestyle is a lie. They consume countless insect fragments with everything they eat.

   So….Apparently driving past a cop…. While drinking water….from a vodka bottle…isn’t funny and is technically wasting police time.

   Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a very bad idea.

   Red states are much poorer than blue states. Because blue states are educated. And red states are full of morons.

   We're doing it because it annoys you 🙂

   I just bought $200 worth of groceries... And then ordered pizza because I don't feel like cooking after the hassle of buying groceries!

   I sent my Family Tree into ancestry.com. They sent me back a package of seeds and told me to start over. FML.

   Marriage tip #10: Whenever your wife can't decide where she wants you to take her out to eat, take her to her least favorite restaurant, and then order her her least favorite food item. From then on out, she will at least always give you an option.

   I though brothels were only legal in Nevada, but I feel like I’m getting *ucked every time I get gas.