Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   70 % of the World is water, none of it carbonated, therefore the Earth is flat.

   Q. What individual did the biggest favor ever for two people? A. The one who stood up when the minister said, 'Speak now, or forever hold your peace.'

   The hacker was so disappointed in my bank account, he started a Go Fund Me page.

   The reason that partakers of marijuana tend to enjoy Hostess® and Little Debbie® snack-cakes is because they're 'baked goods.'

   The last time I had faith in the news was when it was with Huey Lewis.

   I've walked like an Egyptian, moonwalked, Walked this Way, walked on the wild side, walked on Sunshine, walked all over you and walked the line. I've done a lot of walking. I'm tired.

   What does it say for Climate when the NHL ice hockey playoffs are played during the Summer between one team in Florida and the other in the dessert?

   Where exactly do they find those hot women in the calendar on the wall behind the front counter at the mechanic's garage? Enquiring minds want to know.

   I told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here, you just won't see me.

   I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   Where I come from, we drive ourselves to court for driving without a license.

   SNL, Kimmel, Fallon, The Daily Show, Meyers, Colbert, Maher.... these are actually great television shows. Isn't it funny? That every late night talkshow or variety show, just makes fun of him and his minions? SO good 🤭 Not one is on his side.

   Oxygen was dicovered in 1977....

   can't believe I'm finally done.. wait I'm kidding!

   Does the term don't drop the soap in jail apply to women prisons?

   Where can I buy a loaf of that jammin' bread that I always hear about in the song..."Tea, a drink with jammin' bread?"

   Did you know that 1 out of 3 F*GA supporters are as stupid as the other 2? 😂

   BREAKING: Ed the Zebra spotted in Sunrise, FL. Witnesses say he distracted the Panthers long enough for the Oilers to sneak in an OT winner. Sources confirm he’s now demanding a Stanley Cup ring.

   The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.

   A cop asked if I'd had anything to drink, and I thought it would be amusing to do a little Sinatra for him. So I sang, "Beers. I've had a few. But then again, too few to mention." We laughed and gave each other a high five and now I'm in jail.