Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m drinking coffee right now because people think you’ve got a problem if you drink vodka on a Saturday morning.

   We see that it's the same person that posted 20 post I a row andpost and liked it 5 times in a row and like everyone they posted 5 times just to get a like..

   They need to stop remaking A Christmas Carol. The Muppets did it the best. Everyone else needs to sit down and move on

   I wonder what my toothpaste meant by 'extra sensitive.' Turns out it doesn't like when I use other toothpastes.

   M*G* loser - I'm an ALPHA male. I do what I want and I don't care what anyone says! Commander In Sheep - You hate Canada now. M*G* loser - Okay Daddy!

   If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   JD Vance looks like a pedophile Care-Bear.

   Yesterday, Mike heated up his leftover fish in the break room. Today, Mike is missing. Don't be like Mike.

   The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.

   هل يمكن لأي شخص أن يوجهني إلى موقع ويب مضحك لرسالة الحالة؟

   I think we should cancel April Fools this year. There is no prank topping reality.

   I got a Valentine's Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist.

   Imagine being an “alpha male gun expert” and thinking a person can get hit in the ear with an AR-15 round and not have a scar. Completely set up and an absolute hoax. There's already talk from people who were involved.

   I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

   The self checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

   Zelensky was the only person sitting in that Oval office not wearing make up LMAO

   Marriage tip 101: It is very important that your wife understands Commandment Number 1 in regards to marriage: "Thou shalt not nag". As soon as she understands this, she will grow in her duties and responsibilities as a wife.

   Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointing away from earth?

   ABC News An unthinkable breach of national security CBS News An unthinkable breach of national security MSNBC An unthinkable breach of national security CNN An unthinkable breach of national security Fox We've all texted the wrong person befor

   If ignorance is bliss, you must be ecstatic at all times.