Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had corn flakes for dinner.

   People's driving skills got me looking both ways at green lights!

   My wife weighs a ton. She wanted to get her belly button pierced . She got a hitch.

   Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can’t watch Breaking Bad.

   I really used to hate speed bumps. But now I'm slowly getting over them.

   n't it funny how sharks can smell blood, dogs can smell drugs - but some people can't smell themselves when they need deodorant?

   One of the biggest lies I tell myself: I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.

   Okay, Halloween's over. Lose the costumes, dump the candy, and if you're over 9 years old, grow the eff up.

   Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? Boil a few litres at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later. Follow me for more tips!

   My girlfriend wants me to make a cauliflower crust pizza tonight. So now I have to go to the grocery store and find a new girlfriend.

   Women who aren't into sports are way more feminine and don't have smelly you-know-whats.

   The 4Bs explained: Bread, Bacon, Beef, Bread. Make me a sammich.

   When the moon in your eye is at just 6:25, It's December.

   Electric cars are the future. Just not Musk's electric cars. Tesla is done. Buh bye

   If the US held a femininity contest between Trump and Vance, they'd both lose based on make-up application alone.

   Watching the matrix oh wait no, this is my facebook new feed.

   A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

   Jaws 3-D (1983): shark with no connection or knowledge of either of the first 2 sharks avenges their deaths, wearing 3-D glasses.

   Inuendo - what else, but an Italian name for Preparation H.

   Just because your p*ssy's wet doesn't t mean it's good. Trash bags leak too.