Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking. As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

   Need Help with this one!! If I bought a balloon 5 years ago for $1, how much could I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

   Eggs are so expensive that I am eating steak, lobster, and caviar for breakfast now.

   My body knows how old I am, but my mind refuses to believe it.

   Whoever came up with the phrase "The freaks come out at night" has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

   I'm going to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money. I should be back home later tonight.

   Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

   Stop trying to please people who don't like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they've ever met.

   Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical. It's like the trash took itself out.

   Buckle up… if in the next 12 years there's only repuklicans and repedolicans and rapeublicans in office, the United States will lose its superpower title and become a wasteland of embarrassment and failure as other countries cancel it.

   Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

   They should switch the premise of The Amazing Race and make it about Caucasians.

   I've just been for a job interview and the boss said, "Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.41. When do you want to start?" I said, "In 6 months!"

   Are there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

   If you’re ever wondering who your real friends are on Facebook, delete your account and see who calls…..

   This is what I hate the most. Every single morning for the next four years I, along with hundreds of millions of people around the world, have to wake up fingers crossed to see if he's dead yet.

   If you need music at the beach, you're completely missing the point.

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from last Thanksgiving.

   Gen X. Living in the shadows of Baby Boomers, yet not as identifiable as Millennials. A generation of nothingness whose sole contribution to society is giving birth to Gen Z. Those annoying imbeciles.

   One minute you are young and the next minute you are predicting the weather with your bad knee.