Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night my wife asked for peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I went and took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

   Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

   i can promise you I will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

   DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.

   Shake and shake the ketchup bottle; None will come, and then a lot'll.

   As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media

   The First Amendment is first for a reason. The Second Amendment is just in case the first one doesn't work out.

   If I got paid by the number of idiots I have to deal with at work, I could retire next Tuesday.

   Donald Trump is a Tarrifist !

   I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

   I'd try Taco Bell's breakfast but I don't start drinking that early.

   HE FOLDED AGAIN!!!! 😂 And markets are surging NOT because his strategy worked, but because he finally threw in the towel on a trade war he NEVER had control over.

   You don’t have to be a brilliant economist to realize this was market manipulation. The rich just got richer, and regular Americ*ns lost trillions. But go on. Keep defending him.

   Here's a fact 🤡 he and his buddies made a fortune through insider trading which is now going to be meticulously investigated. You didn't make a penny lmao

   Ed the zebra galloped across Tennessee. The Oilers galloped across Florida’s defense. Both ended up airborne—one in a helicopter, the other in OT euphoria.

   GaryKoenig, please stop with horrible jokes. You're the lamest asshole on social media.

   So you unfollowed me on Facebook. You sure showed me.

   Have you ever had a crowd cheer after you've been kicked out of a store?

   How come no one posts pictures of their kids on the first day of summer school?

   Just saw a 400 pound man holding a sign, "Will work for Food" I wanted to scream out "You need to take a vacation!"