Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are you all still shooting off fireworks? It's July 8th for crying out loud! One of them flew off course and almost hit my Christmas tree!

   I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak. (another great post by Gary K.

   I can relate to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard defamation trial. Sort of. I dreamt an old girlfriend chased me around the bed with a machete after eating a box of Ex-Lax.

   If you ever need someone to look like a complete idiot in your photographs, I'm your guy.

   Pickleball is ghey

   If you answer the phone with "Hello, you're on the air!" most telemarketers will quickly hang up.

   My eight-year-old just asked me if Bingo was the name of the farmer or the dog. Now I am questioning everything I thought I knew about life.

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives so many people hope.

   Hello, short bus? I found your missing passenger. Thats right, yes... Gary Koenig.

   ast night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

   My mother-in-law asked me to get her something to drink with her name on it. So I got her a Monster. And that's how the fight started!

   Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular!

   The bad news is many earthquakes in California have caused severe property damage. The good news is on the days that they hit, bowling scores are at their highest ever!

   I love it when people get mad and speed past me, only to end up at the same red light.

   Not to brag, but I was born sychic. For example, right now you're thinking, "It's psychic you idiot".

   You know me. If I ever win the lottery, rest assured nobody around me will be poor and I mean that. I will move to a rich neighborhood.

   Walmart has their Gillette razors under more security than Pete Hegseth’s war plans.

   The fact that anyone thought Todd Chrisley was straight is wild to me

   A Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.