Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I was a broad so I could look at my b00bs. Wait. I have b00bs. Never mind.

   I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

   Summer is just around the corner. I can tell because the UPS guy asked me to put sun block on his legs.

   Beedo Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bleeda Bee eezz ... you've got mail !!

   it considered sexual assault if a midget walks up to you and says you hair smells nice?

   Kid: Do you like corn on the cob? Me: I like it in my mouth! Ha ha.

   So does the voice that gives us the weather warnings have a name??

   “I never go through the express lane when I exceed the product number limit” -me, flirting

   Bl@cks were given Bl@ck History Month because Father's Day doesn't exist for them.

   Anyone know when the monkeypox stimulus checks hit?

   I am positive that there isn't life on any other planets ! If there was Trudeau would have sent them money

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog

   I finally realized it... People are prisoners of their phones. That's why they are called cell phones.

   He's never won against a man. Lolllllll

   I don't care how good looking you are if you don't have any brains." -Zombies

   I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it.

   To devote yourself to one man, and worshiping him like a god seems pretty...well...you know.....gay.

   I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service. ‬

   The closest thing to a 4.0 average I ever got in college was my Blood Alcohol Content.

   Life is like peeing up a drain pipe, it all comes back to you.