Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NOT 1 MAN ANYWHERE IN HISTORY HAS EVER LOOKED AT A WOMAN AND SAID , YEA SHE'S PRETTY BUT IF ONLY SHE DREW HER EYEBROWS ON SHE'D BE SMOKIN HOT .

   I have a love/hate relationship with Daylight Saving Time. I love it in the evening, but I hate it in the morning.

   Guys lose their minds over a smelly, hairy hole that emits urine, blood and babies. Trust me, I'm one of those guys.

   Holiday tip: If any of you receive a call from a telemarketer and there's a kid under 5 years old nearby, hand the kid the phone and tell them its Santa.

   When you're at Lowes and hear "Special assistance needed in the blind cutting area" I would hope so... That sounds dangerous...

   Why does the Old Testament prohibit people from eating pork? Pigs are such friendly looking animals. It's goats that look like the spawn of Satan.

   Dancing: The musical activity for people who can't play an instrument.

   If you ever think money isn't everything....try living without it..

   What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the stinking sewer

   I read that low crab meals might help with my dyslexia.

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   No one takes swearing under oath seriously these days. What a slap in the face to God.

   Settle an argument.. If a man is doing laundry and sneezes is it ok to blow his nose in a pillowcase?

   The next time you visit someone with an Alexa, secretly say, "Alexa, set 3am alarm with horror movie sound effects".

   Starting today, anyone who even mildly annoys me is having their number handed out to every child I come across, and told that it's Santa's hotline.

   ONE SIMPLE QUESTION: WHY ARE YOU LETTING ONE MAN SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROY YOUR NATION RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES? Love, Germany

   In the US, we call it "Alt Right" In Germany, the call it, "Why grandpapa lives in Argentina"

   It really sucks being in your late 30's early 40's. Last month I just coughed the wrong way, and my back went out for a week.

   Last night a guy told me, "Often, bearers of false light destroy what they profess to enlighten," and I said "Don't get wise with me!"

   My business portfolio is a cigarette butt inside an empty beer bottle.