Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care how old I get. If I'm in a store and I see a toy with "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons.

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.

   I let a lot of stuff slide cause prison don't serve the food I like.

   Wisdom: A friend of mine had two small kidney stones. He didn't want surgery so he went to the bathroom and "wisdom" out.

   Elon Musk gone git Twitter so we can have are freedom to spread misinformation once again, h'yck, h'yck...

   Joke telling advice: If you tell a joke and nobody laughs, you're not going to improve the situation by yelling, "Ha! Ha! Ya get it?!!"

   Burger King - We don’t snitch.

   Nissans are fast, BMWs are faster, but Teslas are definitely the fascist!

   I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

   Santa, you must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during deer season?

   How to distinguish 'publican women from 'crat. If they're fat and stupid, they're 'publican women. Thank you, and enjoy watching your wife enjoy her third trip to the buffet table.

   When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

   Remember: You can't have a mid-life crisis if your entire life is a crisis.

   In my house I'm the main boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   An optimistic thinks that this is the best World to live in. A pessimistic knows that this is true. (29)

   With all the bioengineering going on, why don't they cross egg-laying chickens with dairy cows? It'd save a step when making French toast.

   I went to the grocery store today and the cashier said my total was $208.47. I wanted a second opinion so I went to self checkout and my new total was $43.20.

   Yeah, yeah. I've heard of Bad Bunny. He snuck out of the rabbit hutch, broke into the hen house, and fu*ked all the chickens.

   Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times they chase me down the street after I give them a wedgie.

   IMAGINE CHEERING ON PEOPLE IN POWER WHO ARE ACTIVELY TARGETING AND HARMING THE HUNGRY, THE POOR, THE SICK, THE ELDERLY, THE VETERAN, THE DISABLED, THE DIFFERENT, AND THE STRANGER AND STILL SOMEHOW EXPECTING PEOPLE TO BELIEVE YOU FOLLOW JESUS. GMAFB