Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boop Bop Beeda Beep Boop Lop Bee eezz ... YOU'VE GOT MAIL !! 📭😁

   California has the highest rate of both Depression and Adultery. It's a sad state of affairs.

   I Have A Friend Name Nelson And His Nails Are Nasty

   Bacon and eggs along with Toast all walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

   I tried to walk like an Egyptian. Now I need to see a Cairo practor

   He makes a stupid decision. Something really bad happens. He reverses his stupid decision. He convinces his sheep that the problem is magically solved thanks to him. And like the morons they are, they all f*cking believe him 😂

   Our world would be a much better place if Jesus would hold a press conference.

   Hello, Delta? Yes I'd like to reserve seat 11A. That's correct, 11A. What? You already have 242 passengers booked in 11A?

   DONT TOUCH THIS” has got to be the scariest thing to read in braille

   Around this time in 2020 we couldn't find toilet paper. Now we can't afford it.

   Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.

   If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

   HIS VALENTINES ... For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken

   Someone should make a electric car company called "Edison" to compete with Tesla

   Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

   I was playing Bonopoly today. It's kinda like Monopoly, but the streets have no name.

   I will not to be outdone by Elon Musk....I'm announcing my Acquisition of "My Space" for $24.99...

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it Saving Ryan's Private

   Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

   Carmelo Anthony will be judged by a jury of his peers. By peers, they mean niqqers who who compromise 13% of the population yet commit 60% of all violent crimes.