Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone thinks I dodged a bullet, but I think I shot the gun .

   Clitoris. They even made a whole movie about it - Finding Nimo

   RACCOON: I'm being burglarized 911: can you describe him RACCOON: he's wearing a mask 911: maybe he's your RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

   Today January 68th or is it the 69th...

   Still haven't used a package of Willow brand toilet paper I scored as I just love the name Willow, thats like Wilson but softer, longer-lasting, more essential.

   My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

   Wayfair is awesome. Not only will I save space with my new Springboro storage cabinet, I'll also qualify for an additional child tax credit next year.

   I have one of the best memories of all time, but I can never remember what I did.

   I love you, #GreenShirtGuy. I'm cracking up with you.

   my mum always told me never to call it quits...but I rebelled so I just gave my son the name "quits"

   loves dating defense attorneys because they are incredibly good at getting guys off.

   i have a really good feeling this is all just going to be rain!

   "I'm gonna rearrange the alphabet and put "U" and "I" together" ~ Christopher Latham Sholes, inventor of the QWERTY keyboard and only player not totally full of crap.

   Baby I'm a troublemaker, I heard that you're a heartbreaker.

   PRO TIP: Take the wrapper off the fortune cookie before you eat it.

   Note to future husband: reserve Comerica Park for proposal.

   I opened the door and pulled up a chair for you, so we are engaged now.

   Hope john Fox doesn't have another heart attack

   If you have an iPhone ask Siri what's today's holiday lmfao

   Looks like Tony Gonzalez is the new Brett Favre.