Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I identify as Non-Bidenary.

   Just found a $20 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   this can't be the same brain I was using to read 450 page novels in 3 days during middle school

   I'm smart enough to know the oil prices are due to supply and demand and the pipeline was to carry sludge from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico and had nothing to do with gas

   I felt a great disturbance in the Force within this group - as if a hemorrhoid outbreak of epic proportions suddenly stole the sense of humor from every soul in here, and the likes and laughs were suddenly silenced..... ~Obi-Wan

   One of the main differences between a nudist and streaker is speed.

   Our neighbor is an anti-vaxxer. They call her Mrs. Doubtpfizer.

   I was at a restaurant tonight & I saw the "caution wet floor" sign. I wonder how blind people know. those signs don't have braille

   Don't forget to wash your phone.

   My son said he washed his teeth all by himself and now I'm afraid to go in his bathroom...

   When you drive an old air-cooled Volkswagen a essential oil is dw40.

   Life's short don't throw, I mean scroll, it away!

   In ancient greece, throwing an apple at a woman , was considered a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.......Still it is on.......Throw an Apple iPhone 8 & she will definitely say YES

   My wife is so bad at housekeeping, that our dog buries his bones in our carpet.

   Bose is a Bengali Stereo type.

   Wondering why people who are in Love would want to re-arrange the alphabets "I" and "U" to express their feelings, honestly I don't see a valid reason of doing that whatsoever

   my car has air conditioning

   Happy 32nd birthday to "Top Gun". need4speed

   Some people say marijuana makes you dumb, but I smoke all the time and my IQ is 420.

   If 007 can sport a romper who are you to judge? Goldfinger & a Romper!