Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What the heck is Pizzagate? In any case it makes me hungry, I'll have mine with anchovies.

   I wish I loved anything as much as yankees love fireworks. #nojobbutcanaffordfireworks

   No thanks on the street corner baskets for Valentines Day. Just put those $10 on a chipotle card.

   Ultimate dad move: Tattoo a saddle on their leg.

   the more things change, the more they stay the same.

   Hope all of you who received a book from me for Christmas thoroughly enjoy them! Oh and don't forget they need to be back the library by the 30th.

   Peter Griffith : Now There's a Family Guy .

   if "octo" means 8, why is October the 10th month?

   I have yet to see a clear toaster so that I can see how well my toast has been toasted... you have seen one???

   Husbands calm down are two words you should never say to your wife.

   I'm going ghost hunting. If you don't hear from me again... Try contacting me through EVP.

   This guy at work said not to use (SSD) solid state drives because if they get infected with malware it spreads faster.

   How can you fill up a room with people without putting a single person in it? .......

   .. HIJKLMNO is the chemical formula for water, right? ...... H to O

   Best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their Halloween candy.

   Life lesson: If you run out of Vicks vapor rub, never place IcyHot in your nose in place of it or it will make you scream in pain. #thingsthatmakeyouscreaminpain

   Woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand, Whose wine, What wine? Where the H3LL did I dine? .... Awe who cares ... it was free!

   Bet you've never been at a party the cops have shown up to where Raffi's Bananaphone was the jam playing.

   The worst part about trying to kill a fly in your house is when it starts to mock you.

   Kevin Durant will still hear chants of MVP every night, they just won't be for him...