Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my time comes, I’m going to make a death-bed vow that no grass will grow over my grave for 100 years just to see if I can pull it off.

   Switching off my mother inlaw's life support machine was very difficult. I had to fight off a doctor, a nurse and two security guards. Beeeeeeeep

   I was promised a bigger paycheck! Not in size!!!!!

   Back in our days a Teacher leaving the class for a few minutes was the original Harlem Shake

   Life lesson: If you run out of Vicks vapor rub, never place IcyHot in your nose in place of it or it will make you scream in pain. #thingsthatmakeyouscreaminpain

   Woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand, Whose wine, What wine? Where the H3LL did I dine? .... Awe who cares ... it was free!

   Bet you've never been at a party the cops have shown up to where Raffi's Bananaphone was the jam playing.

   The worst part about trying to kill a fly in your house is when it starts to mock you.

   Kevin Durant will still hear chants of MVP every night, they just won't be for him...

   I credit my dad for my sense of humor..... Oh,. She's funny, too?.......... Ummm,,No......

   New Neighborhood Game: Passively aggressively cut your lawn two inches shorter than your neighbors until you reach dirt.

   waiting for the light too go off

   I really need to stop checking every five mins to see if my Facebook movie is on Rotten Tomatos yet.

   The hardest thing I've ever done is uninstall Dota 2!

   The Dog Whisperer has been whispering death threats into my dog's ear

   The only drunk phone call I wanna make this Tuesday night, is for tacos.

   geta Life opinions can be hilarious. Like thinking yours is going to stop us.

   The flowers are blooming. The grass is green. The popcorn is ready. Baseball is back. Another excuse to drink more beer....

   You wanna know how my day's going? I have a convertible and a bird, well, you know the rest.......................

   the brain controls body movement....i just picked up my drink with my hands therefore I used my mind to do it....i have magic powers