Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look dude, take back what you said about Dragonball Z so I don't have to go Super Saiyan on your ass.

   I watched 5 minutes of baseball earlier. As soon as I realized it wasn't Bull Durham, I changed channels.

   On Thanksgiving day, let us all be thanksful that we were not born as turkeys.

   How can he be full of crap if he needs to flush his toilet 10 times when he done crapping?

   Why are all these farmers committing suicide in the midwest area? This is sad.

   My neighbor's daughter came up to me and asked, "Do you know you have a skeleton inside you?" I said, "Yes, Rebecca. I do!" She goes, "Is he mean?"

   I think it's isensitive for Batman movies to be rated PG

   When I die, I wanna die like my grandpa, peacefully in my sleep... not yelling and screaming like the passengers he was driving around

   Dod you know, Clinton's yoga emails are code for how she got Nickelback's ancestors together on the Titanic lifeboat.

   Couples who smoke cigs together is like so Romeo & Juliet.

   Watching Steel Magnolias. I wish Julia Roberts could have died more.

   Maybe the guy who switched from Verizon to Sprint can afford some braces for his bear trap now!

   I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?

   I have a confession to make. When I was 9, I'd lick my arm and smell it.

   Walking In a Winter Wonderland" is a great Christmas song for Southerners to keep in mind since they don't know how to drive in it.

   To all my secret admirers. With Valentine's Day just around the corner if you'd like some candy and flowers it's too expensive for you to reveal yourself now, but maybe next year!

   If you want to know why Paul McCartney never invited Ringo to dinner, he wouldn't share the drumsticks.

   why do people w glasses look like the cutest baby hamsters when they take them off

   Oh crap. I just realized that I'm ugly naked guy from Friends.

   Life is little more than a constant stream of boredom, pain and suffering.