Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seriously who the hell is still funding and letting Steven Seagul's make movies?

   been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"

   Funny how effective Chicago police are if you havent commited any crimes.

   "16 and Applying to Colleges" -rejected MTV reality series

   If it's not suitable for facebook, it's perfect for twitter.

   They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.

   "Clean up in aisle 5" has a very different meaning in a porn shop.

   An Example of complete business failure due to professional Negligence is a PREGNANT Prostitute

   People are like cutlery. Women want to spoon and men want to fork.

   It's so hot outside that I almost called ex so I can be around someone shady.

   I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when other people talk.

   Windows updates are the number one reason the economy’s suffering.

   If a man needs to be taught how to fish, then he is not a real man.

   I can take either Sugar, Sweet n Low, or Splenda in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.

   "Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

   Picture Darth Vader singing "These are a Few of My Favorite Things" and you'll have some idea of the kind of thoughts that go through my head daily.

   I waited until today to buy my eclipse glasses when they are 50% off.

   Me: I need a doctor's appointment... Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?... Me: No, I don't need that many

   Anthony Weiner gets Hard time. Pun intended!

   This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interested in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.