Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.

   A man came knocking on the door the other day asking for donations to the Old Folks Home. So I gave him grandma.

   I started the month eating candy every day to get ready for Halloween

   Guys, if you're not married, but thinking about it, remember; a wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and the house is gone.

   Changed Siri voice to male. ME: Siri, which way to the beach? SIRI: Dude just keep driving until you see a lot of water.

   Sharks don't kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

   Society needs to teach every little girl that she's smart and her brains will make her beautiful. This will help her grow into a confident and independent woman who doesn’t feel like she is nothing but a sex object.

   Easter is April 1st this year which is also April fool's day. So to celecrate both days together, I will be dyeing raw eggs this year.

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it’s not beauty.

   I lost my job as a Walmart greeter. Apparently it's okay when people enter the store to say, "Welcome to Walmart" . . . but not okay to add "and that's not just the booze talking, either!"

   Fun fact: Cops do not like to be told “You’re not the boss of me.”

   You've probably already heard that Mr. Peanut died. But, don't worry. He'll be back in a Jif.

   Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   The best things in life require no pants.

   Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.

   $300.00 to buy a ticket to see Rage Against the Machine makes me think that they now are the machine.

   Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.

   ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about "cover your pin" mf you the thief

   I’ve got your stimulus package right here.

   You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.