Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Rapture is this weekend nobody make any plans! WAIT JUST A MINUTE this came from the guy that predicted that Judgement day was happening September 6, 1994.... I wonder how that worked out for him?

   My new diet plan consists of watching the show "Hoarders" every time I'm hungry.

   Am I the only one who feels Facebook was actually created by divorce Lawyers????

   I'm A Smart Person….I just do stupid things.

   Tonight's dinner was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I made it using the recommended serving amounts indicated on the jars. Who came up with these standards...an Ethiopian?

   Just came up with the best idea ever! And it's called going to bed. good night everyone.

   Seriously, Why the f*ck would you give somebody 244 years in prison?

   It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

   A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

   Having lunch with a man named Jack... Jack Daniels

   so poor that the alarm system in my house is a sheet of bubble wrap on the floor.

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings….'

   Banks are the type of place that will give you money if you can prove you don't need it

   Apparently, "You're a douchebag!" isn't what my boss had in mind when he asked, "So, what do you think?"...I guess honesty isn't always the best policy...

   if meat is murder, I will have my murder medium rare done please...

   probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   thinks that the reason I find FB so appealing is because it reassures me that I am not the only one that is not normal.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice...

   Heavy, stationary objects keep running into my bare feet...How many times do I have to stub my toes before these things learn to get out of my way?